When we learn to do something well, there follows grace and confidence. I like grace and elegance and confidence, but when we are faced with something new - a new deeper challenge, something we haven't experienced of faced before, then we discover awkwardness - not sure which way to turn, or to go, confidence disappears. I am in an awkward phase at the moment, and though in many ways it is awkward (I did say it was an awkward phase), I am trying to give respect and acknowledgement to why I am in this phase - that I am learning new things, and accepting new challenges. It is only by facing this uncomfortable new situation that we can expand our horizons and discover new things about ourselves - and this is a central part of human nature - we do not rest and stop learning. We always seek new challenges. That's why life never becomes easy - there is always something new for us to learn.
So I have accepted the challenge - taken up the baton and stepped into the arena. I have committed myself to growing my dream - the school of oneness. It is wonderful and a bit terrifying. I would wish to do something easier, but easy is not going to get me up in the morning passionate to make a difference and to take things one step further. The challenge while difficult is part of what excites me. And from what i have heard this is true of all great people - all people who stand up for what they are passionate about and live their true potential. So perhaps I stand in good company.
This week I have completed my preparations for the Oneness Yoga course and I stepped from a place of being overly busy to being somewhat confused about what I am supposed to do next - marketing would be the natural, obvious direction, but the natural, obvious direction is not always the right one for me, and actions that are not inspired do not work. In christian philosophy it is called "empty works" - doing service or actions that are not inspired by the divine. These "empty works" can be meaningless, or counterproductive, or in my case simply not work.
So what should I be doing now? I don't know. But I do know that I should not be listening to my well meaning advisors who tell me all the ways I should be promoting myself. I should not be listening to the practical but fearful voice of mine that says what I should be doing to make sure I don't fail. What I should be listening to is the still quiet voice that says not much, but always helps me find the loving open way through life. And sometimes like now I don't hear that voice very clearly, but it is important to keep listening anyway, and not to crowd it with everything else that I could or should be doing.
And so I end up here - writing. It is a way of getting to know myself a little better, and perhaps to help others to get to know me too. I used to feel that I was not a good writer, and perhaps I wasn't but what I have learnt is that I am most of the time an impatient writer - not ready to spend the time that is needed in order to write well, but in certain times when I need to look more inwards writing begins to be an important and natural activity for me, and perhaps if my journey can be an inspiration or a guide for others then perhaps this writing can also serve a purpose. I hope so.